So what had happened was…

I met a guy.  Before I met this guy, I already disliked him. When I met him, I was absolutely sure he was the most annoying man on the face of the earth because my preconceived notion of him was that he was vain, misogynistic and just not the kind of guy for me.

Guess what?

After a day of being around this guy, my preconceived notions came tumbling down. All of a sudden, his eyes sparkled, his walk dazzled and his jokes became funny. I couldn’t understand how he went from my worst list to my best list. Needless to say, we had a “blossoming” 3 month relationship. Yes people, 3 Months!

But you know, looking back, I can’t even qualify it as a relationship. It was more of a situationship where we weren’t really defined as a couple but acted as one? Homedawg was so lovie-dovie. We used to have looooooongggg skype calls that lasted for hours. I wasn’t getting any sleep because of “RELATIONSHIP”.  He always looked out for me, made sure I was okay etc etc. You know the normal things people who clearly like each other do… Called me every chance he could get – at least that’s how it appeared to me. He will quite vaguely express his feelings for me but without really expressing them. I mean, dude was giving all the vibes. And I just went with it. Let’s vibe it out together, right? Wrong

Up until that point, I hadn’t been in the “real world”. I was in the world where people were nice, trustworthy or will very blatantly show you their evil ways. My world was always either black or white and never grey. I never had to try to read between the lines and decipher what someone actually meant. That’s just the way it was. So this situationship was a bit new for me – he was acting a part he did not mean at my expense.

As months went by, I finally opened up to a friend about this situationship because I did not feel comfortable with its progression. To my utter dismay, my friend made me very aware that this man had a very present girlfriend. VERY. PRESENT. GIRLFRIEND. It sucks being very secretive at times because you do not give people an opportunity to help you out. There is a difference between being private and being secretive, AND I WAS VERY SECRETIVE!

After my conversation with my friend, I called this man up and asked him what our situationship really was about. To which he responded with a chuckle and said “you know I have things to do, and this is what you call me for”. Ei Jesus Christ. I am laughing as I type this because looking back it’s so ridiculous but the pain I felt was real because my feelings were very real back then. I was younger and fell for someone I had no business falling for. Is he a bad man? No. Will he make a great spouse to someone one day? Probably. Was he the guy for me? Obviously not.

The subsequent months after this eye opening revelation were shattering. This episode will lead to a life of complete emotional carelessness where I did not care what I did or what happened to me. I was empty. I did not really care about my life. I felt almost like there was no point of living. I still loved Jesus and so I was excited to go see Jesus if anything should happen to me, but I would cry myself to sleep just utterly disappointed. I could not help but wonder how he could have led me on knowing very well that he had someone in his life. What type of human does that?

The truth is I wasn’t as upset at this guy as much as I was upset at myself. I gave someone an opportunity to look at me differently. I allowed someone to have the wrong impression of me. I did that! Because at every moment, I had a choice to make and I chose to be toyed with. I chose to let myself embrace the uncertainty of an emotional roller coaster. I remember that all I kept thinking to myself in my puddle of tears was “I am not the girl you have on the side. That is not me. I am the girl you take home to meet your parents”.  Knowing everything I was created to be and everything I was versus how broken I had been reduced to left me feeling inadequate. “Ruth, you know better! You are better than this”

This post may not resonate with all of you but definitely to those of you who may have had their hearts ripped out of their chests by a guy who just didn’t deserve you.

I know what situationships like these can do to you. I know and have experienced the feeling of inadequacy this brings where you know you are enough but doubt you will ever really be enough. I know.
I know you sometimes find yourself looking at pictures of the other woman on facebook and wonder what he sees in her but in the same vein, you  try to convince yourself to be happy for them. I know.
I know that a part of you will want him to suffer severely for how he has made you feel but the Jesus side of you will probably pray that God continually blesses him. I know.
I know that at a point you will be torn between letting go and wondering if remaining friends with him will help alleviate your pain.
I know.

Another thing I know is that you should try and forgive yourself because most of the pain and hurt you feel is not from him, but from allowing yourself to be “stupid”. By the way, you aren’t stupid. You’re human.
I know that as you try to forgive yourself, you should try and cut communication for a while and remove anything in your life that reminds you of him until you have a better hold on your emotions.
I know that in order to move on, you have to move on. You have to live a full life outside of him. You have to focus on yourself, your dreams and your goals.
I know you are beautiful, smart and filled with promise. I know that something as a heartbreak should not break you and WILL NOT break you. You will come out better and stronger.

For those who may have had sex with this heartbreaker which heightens all the disappointment and emotions, I love you.  I love you so much and do you know who else loves you? You guessed it!!! Jesus Christ, the son of the living God who went on Calvary to die for your sins and mine. You may have wanted to keep yourself for marriage but lost it to a nonsense man (excuse my French), please pray to God for forgiveness and receive this forgiveness. Don’t let the weight of your sin weigh you down. And honestly, I know having sex before marriage is a sin that is really made out to be very shameful in the Christian circles, so instead of talking about it, you hide it under a rug. I’m not saying broadcast your business for the world to hear, but please find a trusted confidant and be open about it. If the devil can suppress your testimony, he can suppress your power. If you have to battle this in your mind alone, you will go crazy.

Another thing I know is that one day, God will send you someone who will love and cherish you beyond your wildest dreams. Every day, you will see a reflection of Jesus in his eyes and you will then understand what it means for a man to love his spouse as Christ loves the church because that is  the kind of love you will have.
One day, God will show you why none of the pain you feel now even matters because this other person will complete you – mind, body and soul. You will wake up with joy, sleep with joy and even eat with joy. You will look up to God and ask God every day, “How did I get so blessed?”
Trust me I know.

What I also know is that “One Day” starts today. God can send you someone, but you may miss it if half of that person’s time is spent dressing wounds of another man’s mistake.

Listen, You are Great! If the heartbreaker couldn’t see it, it’s his loss. You should not be crying over the fact that he can’t see your worth. You really shouldn’t.

That chapter is officially closed!